Updated: Jul 13, 2021
Since my youth I use to quell my feelings of deppression with chocolate. I could not stand to look at the buildings accross the street where we lived. I went to doctors every other day, never got any tablet for it. I red lots of psychology books. Some academic books, some self help. I questioned it. Why, what was going on that I felt so much. I felt fear, I felt bad, I felt deppressed and I felt I could not describe it. going to the doctors and therpists which in Germany is free, was of no help.
I DID NOT TELL MY MOTHER
Because she was the bady under us kids. She was bossy, hysterical, mean and said always the opposite of what I wanted to hear. We felt abuse and such a feeling is for life. So I could not trust her and simply could not tell because I always thought it was my mothers fault.
BUT IT WASN'T:
But it wasn't. I was manic, slightly manic deppressive, and what ever else. And I self healed most of the time with chocolate. I am a professioanl chocolate eater. I was eating a whole package every day, seven days a week. Thank goodness alcohol did nothing for me and illigal drugs I though boring. It wasn't simply my style.
SO WHAT I FOUND OUT AFTER 40 YEARS OF SUFFERING?:
Yes, it is partly because of the treatment of my mother
That there is an underlying mentall illness behind it in the entire family
That I should have been hopitalised and treated in my youth
I should have gotten electro shock treatment
Psychologists said I need to do sport and I do that now daily and it works
I am a sucker for praise
AND WE DO NOT TALK ABOUT MENTAL ILLNESS IN THE FAMILY
Because my parents and grand parents are surviver of the Second World War and their identity is about the dream of a better future for oneself and the family. So, working hard and building a house. We kids needed to be good in school and behave. Even today it is sheer impossible. when I tried to tell my mother she said that because I moved out of the house so early. I was 18 years of age. She said that I had nothing when I was at home. My mother thought talking to a psychologist as nonsense.
But something helped, I am stable now after such an incredible long time of suffering
Medication on a low dose. Two different types of anti-deppresants. My life now as a new vborn Christian helps a lot. I still eat chocolate but try to pray instead when I feel bad again.
I do sport a lot. But I had a type of work where I needed to work hard and it did not had any result. What is different now?
Actually I don't know
I am suddenly stable after really a bad time and what is different now is that I started to run during the long brake of the covid pandemic. Normally I hate running but I knew for a long time that it makes me feel good and it cost me nothing. And I got some praise for my work and that repeatedly. Otherwise I can't say why I am feeling good and are stable.
And I cherrish my new found relaxed state of mind
Yes, I am so possitive tuned that ones when I got verbally attacked in Oxford street by an Arab boy. I could not believe what was happening to me and thought I have to hug him and forgive him straight away. For me feeling good is a big thing. Like earning lots of money or a birthday present. I work on it, I earn it, every day.